Don't want to be a hinderance
on 2003-11-05 at 11:30 a.m. Richard spent the night with me last night. She didn't have to work today, and she wanted to get some things done this morning, so she thought the best way would be to get up when i leave for work, so we bought a biscuit, I dropped her off at home, and she's packing and getting ready for her trip today.

My old jealous jonzo peaked through for a bit this morning. I kinda got pissy with her about the trip, she's going to be doing all kinds of cool things, all kinds of touristy Bostonian stuff, either alone or with someone else. I want her to be independent, have these great times, but at the same time, my insecurities came blaring through and I told her how i felt. It wasn't that i truly felt like i might lose her, but more that she'd have more fun there than with me. I don't even pretend to be anything but boring. So I immediately apologized, saying that I really do hope she has a good time. I think she knows how much i love her, but sometimes, I feel like my old self again, insecure in relationships, burned by the past i guess. I think she understands and cuts me slack because of it, but it shouldn't be the issue with me that it is.

She's still very cautious with our relationship, especially because of the speed at which it developed. It's been a while since she had anyone else around to spend time with, she used to doing the small things alone, spending time alone. I'm sure there are things, reading, knitting, talking to friends, that she is neglecting on my account, but I don't intend to take up her time, i just do. She says if she wanted me to leave, she'd tell me, and I believe her, cause if I wanted to be anywhere else, i would leave to. It just seems like I couldn't care less what is going on if I'm with her. UVA lost last weekend, Tech won, I heard about it on Monday. I get my news from Misty, I've watched TV once in the past week, that was the UVA game, and even then i spent more time looking at her than the TV. For me, spending time with her is healthy, it distracts me from activites that are more mundane and stupid. For her, I wonder if I'm distracting her from bigger and better things. I just don't want to be a hinderance on anyone, or hold anybody back from something they want to do. If I ever get that way, I expect to hear it from all of you.

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Recent Entries:

Prodigal Jonzo Returns - 2005-09-16

Sober - 2004-02-12

Long time, and Happy Anniversary - 2003-12-08

Getting you up to date... - 2003-11-21

Welcome Home Richard - 2003-11-12

Wisdom tells me I'm Nothing.
Love tells me I'm Everything.
Between the two my life flows.