Really long sinking ship analogy
on 2003-10-07 at 6:59 p.m. I've been thinking for awhile now about quitting my job. I'm not a quitter, I normally ride things much longer than i should, sometimes to the point where I lose more than if I had cut my losses and jumped ship. I'm starting to wonder if either I've wised up, or if I've ridden this one so far that I've hit the bottom, and that forced me to see the end. Today, i almost didn't make it to work. I got off the interstate one exit early, on purpose, and almost got back on headed back to the house. I probably would have, but Shaw called me, and told me he wanted to sell me his motorcycle, soon. And i really want to buy it, i can't quit now. So i turned down the next street and headed to work. I actually put in a great deal of effort when i'm here, but I know my attitude towards the job is starting to get noticeable. Maybe it is the large difference between the way i act outside of work, and the way i act at work, but people are definitely starting to notice. I went bowling last night with Mo, Trent, James, and Brian. (in case i haven't mentioned this before Mo and James are women. I tend to give my female friends, male nicknames.) Alipow came along to watch and goof around for a little bit before she had to run. I had a good time, we joked about all kinds of sexual innuendo, we picked on Mo for asking the counter guy if he had ten pound balls. She was serious, but it still makes us laugh like we are right back in 5th grade. Then I get in the car, and i realize the mountain of things waiting in my office for me. I realize how much shit I'm going to have to put up with today, I realize what a huge inconvenience it will be when i try to get other people motivated to work today.

So when i get here, I bury myself in my office, I tend to work diligently until lunchtime, eat lunch with Mo and James, and then one of two things happens. I get so frustrated that i spend the rest of my day locked in the office, or i find anything else to do. I send Kristie home early sometimes so that i can get out of my office and have to sit at the desk, just for a change of scenery. The sickest part, is I actually enjoy working security part-time for Invisibledon more than i do my regular job now, because at least I know that no matter what, I'm going home with no worries from there. I don't need the money this second job pays me, although it is nice, and comes in handy, quite often. But just to break up the monotony is nice. I spend my day looking forward to 5 o'clock, and that is something i never envisioned for myself. Even at Champs, I never felt like the job wasn't challenging, like i would never get to where I could enjoy it again. I feel like that here. the boss is in absentia alot. everyone here is working their tails off, and nothing good comes from it. we get small tokens, now and then, like they are now giving us $35 a month towards parking. It cost's $80 but every little bit helps. But nothing to say, "way to go!" Good Job! or even "I noticed you seriously fucked that up, what's wrong?". When your boss lets you go day in and day out with no input it is really hard to tell where you stand. Whispers around the office make you nervous, did i fuck up and noone said, did i do something good and people noticed? Usually it is neither, usually it is "i bet he doesn't remember that there is a policy about open toed shoes in the handbook." or "How the hell does he work in there with those friggin Japanese drum beats all day long?" (Thanks for turning me on to Kodo there Alipow)or maybe even "Why does he seem to disappear whenever it's raining outside?" But you know what, most likely those whispers are from people who feel just like I do, people who are frustrated with the way things are going for this museum, frustrated that we have fallen so far from what we once were, and that the board, the leader, and the community just do not see it. We put on a happy face and walk around with broad shoulders, but they are supported by a hollow spine, and a worthless soul.

This museum needs what brought about it's first hey-day, an infusion of new blood. I once was that person, but I'm not anymore. And I'm not the only one who needs to go. There are a few at the top who could turn this around, but they'd have to work miracles, and I don't think they have it in them. I'd almost welcome being put out, if i knew I could take the leaders with me, and bring about a renaissance. This place is important for this area, but it needs new life.

Even though I may be hitting bottom, lets hope the museum and it's dedicated crew, can tread water long enough for the lifeboat to get here.

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Wisdom tells me I'm Nothing.
Love tells me I'm Everything.
Between the two my life flows.