Thoughts and Feelings
on 2003-09-29 at 12:20 p.m.
Well, I'm sitting here eating my Subway lunch, and it dawned on me that I may have done something incredibly stupid today. Either that or something very sweet, I guess I'll find out in the next day. Either way, no regrets, life moves for a reason, and I just move along with it but at my own pace, going with my flow, doing what feels right to me, and not really caring if timing is important. I do things when they come to me, and rarely ever do I spend time trying to convince myself that they are wrong, moreover I feel if I've decided to do something, I'll hate myself if I don't. So sometimes, you take life by the horns, you take chances, you do things maybe not the way the world tells you or expects you to, but you do them because they make you feel good, and hopefully you can convey that to others.
It is not important to me that people understand my actions, but that they do understand my motivation and desire. That I can consciously explain my actions to the point that others will respect the fact that I have an opinion, and not chastise me for merely acting upon it.
I remember taking a Philosophy class with a very advanced Modern thinking professor who really like ambiguity in answers. She loved the Philosophical approach to answering questions, which is generally to ask another question that is both an answer and a thought provoking question in one. I had trouble with the midterm, mostly because I tried too specifically to answer each question. I went to her and had a sit down where she explained a few things to me about the test and her approach to Philosophy. Basically she wanted me to quit being analytical, and be purely philosophical. I developed a deep respect for her. I really enjoyed the second half of that class. I busted my ass to learn as much as I could about Philosophy, the general nature of thought and derivatives of ancient Philosphers that are still taught and thought today. She gave us all a different question on our finals, based upon discussion we had in class, and places she saw us all in our "thought process". When I sat down to the final, I saw the worst possible question ever appear on my page. I remember it to this day. "Jon, describe your feelings right now, in the context of this class. Tell me what you have learned in this class that you will carry with you to your next exam. Create for me a picture of your being, by telling me exactly what inspires you the most, and what impact this class has had on your 19 year old life. And use less than ten words." I shit you not. That was almost word for word the exact question. Those of you who read this site regularly know, I can tend to be verbose at times, and ramble on about the must mundane topic. That teacher nailed me that day. I sat there for a good hour, pondering what to write, I must have written a hundred things down in that blue book, only to erase them over and over again. My final answer, "Everything and nothing, who is to say what is useful?" I got an A. That is partly why that Nisargardatta quote means so much to me. Everything is subjective to the amount of thought you put into it.
So in summation, I stand by my actions, however foolish, mundane, typical, obtrusive, and blind they may be, because after all, it is our thoughts and feelings that define us, and I only act on those thoughts and feelings.
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