This is it, the one you've been waiting for...
on 2003-08-05 at 6:50 p.m.
Okay folks, this is the air it all entry, you mofo's have been waiting for. The one where I get it all out and tell you all what the fuck is going on. Several have asked, and I have avoided, partly because I didn't know, and partly because I didn't want you to know. Only a few of you will truly give a shit, but for those who do, I love you too.
I'm not depressed. I may have been after Mandy and I called it quits 2 and a half years ago, but I'm not this time. Lexie made the right decision, one that I'm glad she made because we would have killed each other eventually. She's a great person, I don't hate her, I hope to one day be able to call her a close friend, but sorry dear, right now is too soon.
Despite the fact that I spend alot of time alone, and think quietly to myself, I'm not pissed or angry. I haven't been single for more than a couple weeks since I was 16 years old, I need alone time. I think for the first time in these 26 odd years I have several things working in my favor. I'm trying my damnedest to get out of debt, and to lose 110 pounds, all by my birthday. I want to be able to say "at 27 years old, I am out of debt, fit as a fiddle, and ready for a new challenge." I want to do something different. I'm a stodgy person. I'm stuck in my ways. Misty had me take a personality test today, and I answered everything to the best of my ability, three times i tried it, and every time i got the same result. I'm a fucking extrovert! How do you figure? I must be the only extrovert who loves spending time alone, either playing playstation, or driving my car. Or so I thought. These questions are about your personality, your make-up, not your daily routine, which is what I seem to have fallen into. I do the same thing everyday, and have for 10+ years. Extroverts are people who enjoy a wide variety of interests and who can talk to anyone about anything. Just because I'm not a practicing extrovert doesn't mean I can hide from it. Mom has always told me that I'm the type of person who refuses to acknowledge the boat is sinking, even when the water has risen above my waist. She's goddamn right, and man she'll probably print this out and keep for future reference, but I admit it, she's right.
I'm going to do some of the extrovert things I've been avoiding. I'm going to seriously research other jobs and other schools in other places, that I'd like to try for a while. I'm 26 years old. When I'm 56, I don't want to look back and wonder why I didn't go when I had the chance and no attachments. So many people my age are married, or parents, or unable to pick up and go, I feel I need to while I still can. So I'm making a conscious effort to do something different, to be something I've never been on the outside, but always wanted to be on the inside, adventurous. I'm gonna take my time, visit my friends, reconnect to the ones i've let go, and make new and interesting ones along the way. Roanoke will always be home to me, and Roanoke will always be here when I need it, but right now, I think I need to be somewhere else, doing something else, before the times comes when there is nothing else.
I've got great family and great friends, a support structure anyone would love to have, and I'm sure they'll support whatever it is I decide to do.
My art and writing, I've neglected. I really do like it, and I have a passion for it even if it is accompanied by very little true talent. I'll never make money on it. It won't fill my stomach or my pockets, but it will fill my head.
I think I've had my mid-life crisis in my mid-twenties, and instead of a sports car, I want a soul. And maybe a motorcycle. :) More to come, very soon...
Prev // next
Prodigal Jonzo Returns - 2005-09-16
Sober - 2004-02-12
Long time, and Happy Anniversary - 2003-12-08
Getting you up to date... - 2003-11-21
Welcome Home Richard - 2003-11-12